Cryin’, flyin’ shame

Hands up who’s flown with a so-called “budget” airline? OK lots of you have. Keep your hand up if you’d do it again? Hmm, still a few. OK, show of hands those who thought it was an “excellent experience“, and one that you “would recommend to others“? One solitary hand! OK put your hand down Kevin Rudd so we can continue. Gee’s no wonder they call the guy Kevin 747.

I recently flew with a well known international budget airline for the first time, and I must say it certainly was an interesting experience. I can say that now that I am off the plane. If I had still been on the plane, I would have needed to pay to make a comment.

The list of things I was expected to pay for – in addition to my assumed right of carriage on their flying vessel – was lengthy, and bordered on bizarre. For example, I had the option to pay to take my check-in baggage. I also could have paid for a seat. And I was able to purchase first place in the boarding queue if I’d wished (silly considering I’m not as fast as I used to be).

They may have had the luck of the Irish on their side, but frankly they’re not as smart as they think they are. Here’s a list of things budget airlines could still charge for in the future;

  • you are weighed at check-in and pay per kilo for your own body weight – $1 per kilo (over 40 kg)
  • the bus to drive you across the tarmac to your plane – 50 cents
  • a toilet that requires you to swipe your credit card to gain access – number one $2, number twos $5
  • a convenient consumer pack of 200 toilet paper sheets – $5
  • a safety demonstration in preparation for the unlikely event of an emergency – $1
  • an exit door in the unlikely event of an emergency – $100
  • first place in the exit queue in the unlikely event of an emergency – $1000
  • optional life jacket/oxygen mask fee – $10
  • a fully qualified pilot – $20
  • a partially qualified pilot – $5
  • overhead lockers – $1 per hour
  • a detachable front seat pocket to put your stuff in – $2
  • An opt out from all on-baord advertising announcements during the flight – $5

and in premium budget class :

  • a personal welcome on-board by the pilot – $10
  • a private lap dance by an exotic flight attendant – $200

Sshh. They might hear us.

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