The 10 worst “apps”

The iphone has created a great social divide between the “ihaves” and “ihave nots”. Being in the “ihave not” camp (or “iwant not” camp?) and having endured much time around “app” users (physically anyway), I have compiled a useful list of the 10 worst “apps” for the iphone.

And no this article is not about you.

  1. Face Time – A timer goes off after 20 seconds of inattentiveness to your nearest companion, and a photo of their face will fill the screen of your iphone, serving as a reminder that you are actually in company and being bloody rude.
  2. Lie to me – Ask this little app any “must have answer now” questions you can think of, like oh dunno, a) “How many Oscars has Arnold Schwarzenegger won?”, or b) “What is a good recipe for water?” and you will get a completely bullshit answer back, like a) One – for the film “Conan the Destroyer” or b) “1 teaspoon refined sugar, 10ml flavour enhancer 213, 1/2 teaspoon chlorine, 25 g caffeine citrate, 1 tablespoon vegetable extract, ribonucleotides E635, stir and serve chilled.”
  3. Shitter – Some of us “twit” (or is it tweet?) but we all shit, so when you’ve done the business, “shit it in” via this little app and tell anyone who’s prepared to listen all about your lavatory adventures.
  4. iSteal – Alerts thieves of any unattended gadgets within a 50 metre radius. Including yours.
  5. Je suis perdu – French for “I’m Lost”, this little app will give you directions any time of day or night in true Parisian spirit – in the completely opposite direction to where you want to go!
  6. Off-your-facebook – The perfect app for late night inappropriate insulting, outing, or drunk dialling of strangers, celebrities and ex-partners.
  7. Goggle – This little app will take your photo and somehow make you thinner, sexier and generally more attractive in an instant. And then automatically email the photos to that creepy guy/girl drinking Jim Beam and Cola at the bar who has been stalking you with his/her eyes since the moment you walked in.
  8. Alexander Graham Bell – Turns your awesome iphone into a mere, mortal, old school…. telephone. No apps, no camera, no mp3s, and no built in fax. Useless!
  9. Up Dog – Doesn’t exist, but it is fun asking iphone wankers whether they have this latest, greatest app, which is really just a ruse to get them to say “What’s up dog?”, which of course sets up your hilarious gangsta reply: “Nottin’, what’s up wit you dawg?!”.
  10. Enola Gay – The absolute atom bomb, mother of all apps. Start this baby up and nuke the motherboard of every iphone within 2 miles and render them and their owner useless.

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